Demystifying the Wedding Ceremony Part I

As part of the edumacation series, I figured it was time to put on my Officiant hat (or magic wand as the case may be), and help demystify the whole issue of the wedding ceremony.  Some common questions are:

  1. What is legally required and what is optional?
  2. Can I write my own vows?
  3. Does you have to say ‘obey’?
  4. How long does it have to be?
  5. How do I make it ‘unplugged’?
  6. Can I involve family members/friends/pets?
  7. How many witnesses do I need?
  8. Do I have to get married in a church or at city hall?
  9. What is a ‘signing only’ ceremony?
  10. Who/when/how do I get a marriage license?

For the purposes of this post, I’m going to take on half the list, and follow up in a couple of weeks with the other half.  And, if you have any questions you’d like to add to the list, just drop me a line!

Here are some answers for you, and please, never hesitate to contact me for more information!

1.Legal requirements: Here’s a direct quote from the Marriage Act of Ontario:

No particular form of ceremony is required except that in some part of the ceremony, in the presence of the person solemnizing the marriage and witnesses, each of the parties shall declare:

I do solemnly declare that I do not know of any lawful impediment why I, AB, may not be joined in matrimony to CD, and each of the parties shall say to the other:

I call upon these persons here present to witness that I, AB, do take you, CD, to be my lawful wedded wife (or to be my lawful wedded husband or to be my lawful wedded partner or to be my lawful wedded spouse),

after which the person solemnizing the marriage shall say:

I, EF, by virtue of the powers vested in me by the Marriage Act, do hereby pronounce you AB and CD to be married,

Ask your officiant how these requirements can be worded and covered in your ceremony.

2. Absolutely you can write your own vows. 

After reading that rather dry content above, you’ll probably want to have a few more words to exchange <ah-hem>.  Your vows can be either entirely customized, they can be traditional vows (i.e. ‘in sickness and in health), they can be a modern version of traditional vows found on any number of great websites, or a combination.

I’ve been told that this is the part of the ceremony that your guests really want to hear (as opposed to your fabulous officiant who merely sets the stage for you).  Ask your officiant for examples of vows, some suggested websites, and also about the many different methods of delivery.  Keep in mind that “Repeat after me” is actually very difficult, and only one option available!

3. Ack.  In 800+ weddings I have never used the ‘obey’ phrase.

Please don’t make me.

4. The ideal ceremony length depends on a combination of many factors.

Those factors include the formality of your event, number of attendees, time of day and content considerations.  To illustrate, a wedding that takes place on a boat in the harbour with all the guests standing (or in a park with 10 close friends), is going to be significantly shorter than a black tie wedding with 300 (or more) guests.

It’s pretty normal not to want to be standing there as the centre of attention for too long, but ceremonies that are too short tend to lose credibility and feel like a flash in the pan.  “Is that it?”

While no one (including the officiant) enjoys a ceremony that is too long, it’s equally important to make sure that it is satisfying to your guests.  That’s the whole point of the exercise.  Make sure to have this discussion with your officiant!

5. YES!  Go unplugged!

I won’t be the only one grateful not to have phones & cameras wielded by your guests.  I’ve heard that some photographers are actually giving discounts to couples who have unplugged ceremonies because it makes their lives much easier (and your pictures much better too!).

As a speaker, it’s pretty crappy to look around the room and see half the guests texting or reading their Instagram feed.  For a photographer, it’s also not a great image of your guests with their heads down and glow-back from their devices.  Not to mention that person who stands up in the middle of the aisle with their Ipad.  Don’t get me started!

I am always delighted to do an announcement prior to the ceremony start to encourage guests to put away their various toys and BE PRESENT for the ceremony.  There are several versions of the announcement – it doesn’t have to be all or nothing.  Just ask!

Helen Sweet is a licensed officiant in the province of Ontario who has conducted over 800 ceremonies.  If you’d like to inquire about her availability and services for your wedding, send a email specifying date, time, place and any other details you’d like to share about your nuptials!  She’ll go to any venue that is TTC accessible 🙂